When people bring up our holiday I can barely believe that three short months ago we were on holiday, it just seems so long ago now and it feels like a lifetime since I was pregnant! After our miscarriage I had so many questions unanswered and things I just didn't understand, and where possible I tried to see a doctor, but sometimes you just find yourself googling things. And on my Google missions, I found that nobody really talks about miscarriage, aside from privately on forums (usually backdating to the 00's). So we decided that we we're going to be open about everything. So that one day perhaps, when someone like me is googling away, that they stumble across our little blog and feel less alone in their journey. From the beginning we have been more than happy to answer peoples questions, open to talk about the subject and of course my little blog here. It was a big risk for us being so open, we were already vulnerable from our experience, but we have received nothing but positive and loving feedback! Healing wise, as a person who tends to hold everything in until I pop, blogging the journey has been extremely therapeutic for me.
I have had depression and anxiety for around five years now, and I have learnt an important fact about myself, that i'm not one to be able to be beaten down for long before I start making plans to build myself up again. Myself and simon sat down at the very beginning and made some goals we would like to acheive to aid our recovery. We wanted to be able to look at baby clothes in stores, see a pregnant person and smile, be able to smile at little ones (came very easily, i'm a sucker for a gummy smile), begin pinning nurseries again on Pinterest, be able to hear baby talk, be able to discuss future pregnancies and so on. We are doing very well with the goals we set and we have pretty much checked them all off, which feels amazing! One thing that really helped to spur along our recovery was discovering that Simons brother and our sister in law were expecting a second baby. We found out the news the day after we found out we had lost snowflake. Initially, this was really bloody hard, I am not going to lie. I am incredibly close to our sister in law (I love you and hello if you are reading this :D) and we would chat for hours and hours about pregnancy, babies and everything for that matter. I really did not want to lose this, I didn't want to lose such a wonderful relationship, so we kept talking about things, and it got easier and easier.
The miscarriage hit Simon hard, but he too found outlets that helped him get through. It was hard for both of us to think about anything other than the miscarriage. He played lots of Disney Infinity which he got for his birthday, which I think was really really good for him. It's good to lose yourself in a happy childlike world. He also began creating graphics for his family business, and today he continues with that. We stuck together through it all, we made sure that each day we were talking through our feelings and getting them out in the open.
The recovery phase is a journey, a journey which has no finish line. As daunting as that may sound, it does, and it has got easier. Day by day we are getting stronger and the breakdown moments are farther and fewer inbetween. We still have a long journey ahead of us! But for now, since receiving the news that I will not have to have another operation, we are hoping to get a positive pregnancy test sometime in the near future!
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