3 month update

When people bring up our holiday I can barely believe that three short months ago we were on holiday, it just seems so long ago now and it feels like a lifetime since I was pregnant! After our miscarriage I had so many questions unanswered and things I just didn't understand, and where possible I tried to see a doctor, but sometimes you just find yourself googling things. And on my Google missions, I found that nobody really talks about miscarriage, aside from privately on forums (usually backdating to the 00's). So we decided that we we're going to be open about everything. So that one day perhaps, when someone like me is googling away, that they stumble across our little blog and feel less alone in their journey. From the beginning we have been more than happy to answer peoples questions, open to talk about the subject and of course my little blog here. It was a big risk for us being so open, we were already vulnerable from our experience, but we have received nothing but positive and loving feedback! Healing wise, as a person who tends to hold everything in until I pop, blogging the journey has been extremely therapeutic for me.

I have had depression and anxiety for around five years now, and I have learnt an important fact about myself, that i'm not one to be able to be beaten down for long before I start making plans to build myself up again. Myself and simon sat down at the very beginning and made some goals we would like to acheive to aid our recovery. We wanted to be able to look at baby clothes in stores, see a pregnant person and smile, be able to smile at little ones (came very easily, i'm a sucker for a gummy smile), begin pinning nurseries again on Pinterest, be able to hear baby talk, be able to discuss future pregnancies and so on. We are doing very well with the goals we set and we have pretty much checked them all off, which feels amazing!  One thing that really helped to spur along our recovery was discovering that Simons brother and our sister in law were expecting a second baby. We found out the news the day after we found out we had lost snowflake. Initially, this was really bloody hard, I am not going to lie. I am incredibly close to our sister in law (I love you and hello if you are reading this :D) and we would chat for hours and hours about pregnancy, babies and everything for that matter. I really did not want to lose this, I didn't want to lose such a wonderful relationship, so we kept talking about things, and it got easier and easier. 

The miscarriage hit Simon hard, but he too found outlets that helped him get through. It was hard for both of us to think about anything other than the miscarriage. He played lots of Disney Infinity which he got for his birthday, which I think was really really good for him. It's good to lose yourself in a happy childlike world. He also began creating graphics for his family business, and today he continues with that. We stuck together through it all, we made sure that each day we were talking through our feelings and getting them out in the open. 

The recovery phase is a journey, a journey which has no finish line. As daunting as that may sound, it does, and it has got easier. Day by day we are getting stronger and the breakdown moments are farther and fewer inbetween. We still have a long journey ahead of us! But for now, since receiving the news that I will not have to have another operation, we are hoping to get a positive pregnancy test sometime in the near future!

Remembering Snowflake

'When a baby is born, it's a mothers instinct to protect the baby. When a baby dies it's the mothers instinct to protect it's memory'

When everything that happened - happened, I had this motherly instinct within me that had to do everything possible for this babies memory to be kept alive. For some that may sound utterly ridiculous, as we never met snowflake. But for us, we knew snowflake, we knew how he or she would make me feel at certain times of the day, we dreamt and pictured the face, and more importantly we knew how we felt about snowflake, and we didn't want to throw that away.

We had a few different ideas of things we wanted to do for Snowflake, such as matching tattoos for myself and Simon, a scrapbook, and a memory box. We decided since we had so many bits and bobs accumulating (some big too, like the booties) a memory box would be best! We purchased our little box of love from a super cute vintagey homeware shop in Keswick, The Lake District. We was away there for a few days for Simons parents anniversary, shortly after we got home from Tenerife, it was perfect timing and allowed for a little holiday to get over the holiday. In the shop, to the left of the box was a sign that said 'If you are looking for a sign then this is it, then we saw the box - we think it was fate!

Putting the box together was an emotional rollercoaster, we felt so many different emotions. I had a lot of cries that evening!

Inside our little box we put in some lovely cards we received sending love, the 'Thank you' one above may seem a little inappropriate to anyone reading this, but it was from my Grandad who was on holiday with us and had to leave us at the airport to go home. He thanked us for looking after him on holiday, and wished us love and luck in the future. We also put in the booties, our announcement card, and the plane tickets that got us home the day of my Op! We also put in the pee stick as we kept that, but didn't feel it required its own picture.

Our memory box for Snowflake has provided us with lots of comfort, whenever I want to remember what we went through i'll have a dig through our little box. Snowflake now feels a part of our home although he or she is not physically with us!

Mothers Day

I'll be completely honest, after losing Snowflake I was really worried and anxious about Mothers day arriving, I thought it would have been a day filled with sadness that I wasn't a mummy to be anymore, that I had lost my baby. But I was wrong, in the best way possible! I woke up today feeling proud as punch at what I have achieved and been through, my contentment seems to have made a reappearance and I feel great.

 Myself and Simon came to the decision that it is important for us to celebrate mothers and fathers day.  We created life, I grew life inside me, and although we didn't get the outcome we wanted, we achieved things beyond what we thought possible. For a short time we were parents, we had to make decisions on behalf of our baby and adjust our lifestyle to suit.

 I can't fully put into words how I feel today, but I now can no longer wait for Fathers Day to arrive for Simon to feel how I have felt today!

I woke up this morning to two beautiful bunches of tulips (my favorite) in yellow and red, a sweet Winnie the Pooh card and a box of scrummy Forerro Rochers from our fur baby and our angel baby.

Happy Mothers day to all Mummys, Mummys-to-be, and all women out there who care and help somebody else to grow!

 See our Fathers Day post here!

Miscarriage update

'She wasn't just expecting a baby... 

    she was expecting the rest of their lives'


After the whole palaver in Tenerife, then coming home and being treated for infection I was sure that, that pregnancy was now over, and we could begin thinking about a new pregnancy. But boy was I wrong! I continued on to get another infection, this time a water infection which is apparently very common in ladies who have had a d & c. I've never had a water infection and was always curious to know how people even knew they had them. I never imagined them to be painful. Again, I was very wrong. The pressure and pain that came with the infection was unbelievable, I was very thankful that a trip to the walk in centre and some antibiotics later, the pain had gone. By that point I was rather ticked off to say the least.

A few weeks later, myself and Simon were pleased with our emotional healing, and physically my body was feeling back to its pre pregnancy state. I even instagrammed as part of my 100 happy days how content I was feeling about where we were in life at that point. That unfortunately didn't last as long as we would have liked, as we shortly walked head first into more bad news! On a Wednesday morning I got up as usual and we went about our morning routine, until something literally fell out of my foo-foo, it was alien-like and me and Simon were absolutely devastated at it's likeness to a fetus. We got an emergency appointment at the doctors and we sent what we found to the lab. For the next week we put it out of our minds the best we could, we didn't know what the outcome would be so we chose not to waste our energy making up possible scenarios. For us, the worst case scenario was that either we had unfortunately met snowflake, or that we had lost another pregnancy. Luckily, neither was the case.

Today I should have reached my six week recovery mark, we were thrilled to have come so far and we thought we could finally begin making plans for a future pregnancy. Yesterday we got an early call from a very lovely doctor who has seen us multiple times since my operation, he seemed sad himself to be giving us more bad news. It was the placenta that fell out of me, and I am going to have to have another D & C operation to make sure there isn't anything else remaining in my uterus. I am really upset to have to go through another six weeks of recovery, it felt like forever this time, and knowing i'm walking straight back into it feels awful. But, I have to have it, and I am somewhat grateful I discovered what I discovered. Currently, I may be infertile, my body may be under the impression it is still carrying a baby, which would mean I wouldn't ovulate or have a period, making it impossible to conceive again.

If the operation means we are one step closer to our dream, then an operation is what I must have. This time we will be in england, it'll be on the nhs, our family will be around us and there will be no language barrier (phew). But sadly no mermaid Jorge.

Special Snowflake - An Early birth story

' Keep Calm and Carry On'

For the life of me, I couldn't stand that phrase, until recently I had an experience that helped me see comfort in the words. And comfort, comfort is what I need right now, its what we need, and our entire family. Comfort is what brings me to this next post, I want to share my story, let it all out so hopefully one day I can read it back with a small human snuggled on my lap, kiss him or her gently, and realise how far we have come.

Myself and Simon have been very unfortunate to have had our precious Christmas gift taken away from us, we discovered we'd lost our sweet bugaboo at 11 weeks pregnant, in a foreign country. On the 13th February our family was due to fly back home to England, we were all ready for it, missing our fur-babies we left behind, but we all didn't make it home that day. It came to my attention that morning that something just wasn't right, we'd been for a walk to go and get a nudey postcard for Simons nanna, and I felt like I was getting my visit from mother nature (expect TMI'S) but that was impossible, I was 11 weeks pregnant. We returned to our apartment where I discovered I'd had small amounts of discoloured discharge (yuk) I obviously freaked out and made my Mum come and see before she reassured me these things happen to a woman during pregnancy. We carried on with our day getting our things together and headed to the airport, got through customs and was all ready to board that plane to see our fur-babies. I popped to the loo because quite frankly I have the bladder of a small child (again TMI, they will continue). I was bleeding, and I was bleeding heavily. I cried my heart out and rushed about the loo just seeking a sanitary towel, no-one was english and no-one had them. I left the bathroom and hugged simon whilst crying my heart out, we all waddled downstairs to try and find a doctor, a boots pharmacist, anything we could. All in a blur a man contacted the on site drs and before we knew it I was in a wheelchair and then a bed being told I could not fly and an ambulance was on it's way. My heart broke in two. My Mum, Dad and Grandad all had to fly home, and we all knew it, so they did. Until the dr put pressure on my belly, I hadn't felt the slightest of pain, I was still getting pregnancy symptoms, but the bugaboo inside wasn't alright.

I have never cried so much in my life, we was in a foreign country being rushed in an ambulance to hospital, with no say in the matter, or no clue what was going on, what was happening inside hadn't set in yet. When we arrived at the hospital Simon was left outside of the emergency room whilst I was wheeled away and left in a toilet in a wheelchair to 'go pee pee', nobody came back for me. I wandered the corridor with my 'pee pee' in a pot crying hysterically, I shouldn't have been walking. The sweetest of ladies named 'Becky' came over to me and hugged me like my Mum would have done, she was such a comfort, she was english and lived in Teneriefe. Becky told me the ropes, that they don't like partners etc in the waiting rooms, or anywhere for that matter and all I needed was my Mimie there beside me. I wasn't in physical pain, he wasn't in physical pain, but something wasn't okay with our baby, he should have been allowed with me. I was quite the trouble causer in that ER, every 5 minutes I would get up crying and try to explain to spanish nurses that I NEEDED my partner beside me, what was happening was happening to both of us, not just me. FINALLY I think they got the picture, and Simon was allowed in. I was left again in another room on my own, where i'd had my bloods done and an internal examination and managed to rack up a 200 euro bill, tab kept open. I rejoined Simon and Becky in the waiting room, and a interpreter greeted me told us we were to stay in hospital overnight, we were devastated, but still no information was given to us, and none was until the following day. We then said our goodbyes to Becky and were moved to another waiting room where we met a group of amazing women who offered me kind words and love whilst Simon began a lengthly process with the insurance company. A lady stood out in particular, her name was 'Vicky', she gave me her seat and we began talking. She told me how her friend was a midwife and she tried to think what she would say about what was happening.

A couple of hours later we were taken to my room, initially we were impressed. Our hospital room had a balcony, a friggin balcony and there was noone in the bed next to me. I thought to myself, maybe this isn't going to be that bad. That quickly changed. I was hooked up to a drip and filled out my paperwork. Numerous people came in, and quickly left with arms in the air when we tried to find out if simon could stay with me. They sent in person after person with the slightest english skills before the interpreter came. They wanted Simon to leave after visiting hours and return to our hotel, what hotel? we'd checked out and were on our way home. After a lengthly battle and a conversation with our insurance company, it was decided that he could stay with me for just over 100 euros, added to our tab. At that point I began to relax, we were together, staying together and since noone was flocking around me with drugs, we gathered our baby too was alright. Remember Vicky from earlier with the midwife friend? she joined the party in the bed next to us and we had a good 'chin-wag' and vicky came back to with hugs and more kind words. And this is where I should introduce 'Jorge', he wasn't male nor female he was far too majestic, his skin was beautiful and his smile perfect, we came to conclusion that he was a mermaid. He said yes to everything with a nod, a smile and a quick glance at the patient. Vickys midwife friend Sue took quite a liking to Jorge, as did Simon. Unfortunately for us, Sue soon left the party and was discharged in time for happy hour. That was the longest night in history. 

When we woke in the morning we was told I would see the Gynacologist and I couldn't eat for some time. I was wheeled to the Gyno with simon following closely behind, that was comforting. We got to the office and I liked the man, he could speak somewhat english and that too was comforting. Soon enough my panties were taken off and I was propped up in the stirrups about to have a internal scan. It was magical, and devastating all at the same time. I watched the screen above me with watery hopeful eyes, I could see two black circles, all I could think was oh my gosh twins?! I had no idea what I was supposed to see at 11 weeks, but I quickly realised that was not it. Again with hope I thought perhaps baby had separated from the sack or something, I really did not know what to think, nor am or was I a genius on the subject - but I was hopeful. There was a good handful of people around my foo-foo area by the time the bad news was delivered, there was no heartbeat and no baby. I cried and I cried. Im not sure what order the rest happened in, it was all quite a blur. At somepoint we was moved to a different room, where a german lady was already comfortable, and the battle of can simon cant simon stay commenced again. When I just wanted to sit down, read my magazine and take in the news a man came in with a trolley and told me I was going to surgery. I was in serious shock, noone told me this, I didnt know or understand why, and I did not find out until we got home. I cried some more, being wheeled on the trolley to theater. 

The next bit feels the most recent to me, me being layed down in the trolley in a curtained off space, awaiting my turn in theater. My mind had lots of time to wander and wonder, and quite frankly I really needed to pee. I was then wheeled in a drowzy state into a large, bright white room with lots of reflective objects. And that was it I was out like a light. Until I woke up to something tightening up around my arm, my blood pressure being done, but I couldnt see anyone there, I put it down to being an automatic machine. I drifted in and out of sleep noticing new things, like strange oxygen tubes in my nose and beeping. I could not keep my eyes open, they were so squinty and continued to be like that for the rest of the day, I later discovered it was stress. I began to come around a bit more when a lady sat me up and asked if I recognised her, I did not, but she had been in theater the whole time with me and quickly allowed me to breathe on my own without the oxygen. I said thankyou to a familiar face on leaving the theater waiting area, and was wheeled back to simon. When I got back to the room, still on the trolley, I felt wet, I could only hope I hadn't 'gone pee pee' in theater, it was really uncomfortable. I scooted myself from theater trolley to my bed, and caught a glimpse of my nightgown, and sheets, absolutely drenched in blood, it terrified me. I was left with Simon and my german neighbour and a new drip, bleeding ridiculous amounts with eyes so squinty I couldn't see. I was sure I wouldn't be on my way home any time soon in that state.

That afternoon was spent with simon making phones back and forth between my doctors and our insurance company, racking up a phone bill we are yet to receive. My Dr willingly agreed to send over my medical history to the insurance company, before later refusing to, without contacting anyone. That fool was happy to leave us stranded in a foreign country, rather than send over my information. Without it the insurance company couldn't make a decision on wether or not to pay the final total of 2800 euros we had racked up. That night at 6:50 we were finally discharged, I didn't care for a shower or nothing, we just needed to get home. We had no change of clothing with us, fresh underwear or any toiletries, they were either at Tenerife's airport or in England, we didn't know. My fool of a dr was still yet  to send over the documents, so we decided to risk having to pay the full bill ourselves just so we could leave, we would have done anything. Getting out of the hospital felt so good, we felt so free, although we we're in my happy place of Teneriefe, it didn't feel like it. It was also Simons birthday and Valentines day, but it didnt feel like them either. We jumped in a taxi, luggageless and headed to the airport in hopes of getting a flight home as soon as physically possible. We didn't care what airport, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool - we just wanted our feet firmly on our home soil. When we got to the airport we was very lucky to be in contact with a lady who had heard our story, she was expecting us, she had a lady book us flights free of charge with extra legroom for that evening, 35 minutes away. She rushed us to our cases which were infact in the airport in Teneriefe, they hadn't allowed my family to take them along with them. She even allowed us to go into our cases to grab fresh  underwear, hair brushes and deodrant before she got us checked in. We flew through security, and laughed and chuckled in the airport just so glad to be on our way home. 

The next day we found out I had had a D & C (dilation and curettage) which is basically where they dilate your cervix to 9cm, and scoop out remaining tissue from your uterus to avoid infection which they put me to sleep for. I did infact later get diagnosed with infection, and I am currently taking medication to clear it. We have a tough road ahead physically and emotionally, but we just have to carry on until things eventually get easier. Myself and Simon are stronger than ever as a couple, and we intend to expand our family as soon as we can and as soon as we are ready.

Sleep well Special Snowflake, for someone we had never met, we loved you so dearly, we will never forget you.

'I carried you for every second of your life, and I will love you for every second of mine'

8 weeks pregnant

How far along? On Friday I reached 2 months/8 weeks pregnant, huge milestone! (24/01/14)

How big is baby? Our little one is the size of a Raspberry, someone has had a growth spurt!

Maternity clothes? Nada. I'm actually hoping to not have to buy many maternity clothes, i'm planning on living in maxi dresses as i'll be my largest in summer.

Sleep? All I want to do is sleep sleep sleep, and luckily it's coming easily.

Best moment this week? Realizing our Holiday to Tenerife is single digits away.

Food cravings? I've been full of an unforgiving flu and haven't had any interest in food what-so-ever.

Food aversions? Everything edible.

Symptoms? Luckily still no sickness, just some mornings it's really hard to get any food down.

Mood? This past week i've being really grumpy thanks to the flu, on the road to recovery now though!

Movement? No movement yet, just a fluttery sensation.

What am I looking forward to? Our family holiday to my happy place is just around the corner, really looking forward to relaxing in the sunshine.

6 weeks pregnant

How far along? Today I am 6 weeks pregnant (10/1/14)

How big is baby? Our little one is the size of a sweet pea.

Maternity clothes? Oh heck no, not yet!

Sleep? I'm really bloated these days, and I struggled with that earlier on when trying to get comfortable. I've found that tucking the duvet in under my bloat bump is the most comfiest position.

Best moment this week? The best moment this week was announcing to one of our closest friends, she got all teary eyed!

Food cravings? Mc chicken sandwiches and chicken nuggets!

Food aversions? For a week or so I had a funny taste in my mouth after drinking tea or diet cola but that seems to have passed now.

Symptoms? No sickness yet *fingers crossed* although we are prepared should sickness arrive. But as mentioned above, just lots of bloating.

Mood? Every now and again it sinks in that im actually pregnant and I get a wave of absolute giddiness at the most random times. Generally, im a very happy bunny as is daddy that we are growing life in my tummy.

Movement? No movement yet, just a fluttery sensation.

What am I looking forward to? Everything! But in the short term we are are simply looking forward to enjoying the exciting news with out family.